Paddle boat lovers represent the diversity of society: partiers, sun-worshippers, gossipers, intellectuals and jack-asses. Think of the water as its own little universe, resplendent in small wonders and big surprises. Lovely. Now, some jack-ass falls into a paddle boat upon pushing it offshore into an incoming wave.
What A Paddle Boat Jack-Ass Doesn’t Know
Most all paddle boat drivers foolishly navigate watercraft like cars. A jack-ass is especially prone to the following forms of on-the-water stupidity: cutting off another paddle boat because its drivers want to visit a specific spot; jack-ass beer consumption equals equilibrium; you may not need a microwave plug when you have storage coolers on-board; depending on the paddle boat model, the more may not be merrier; jack-ass relatives are particularly welcome; the same jack-ass relatives inherently know how to drive the boat; and, a lake is not really a toilet.
In short, what a paddle boat jack-ass doesn`t know generally hurts other paddle boat neighbors.
Ten Ways to Neutralize A Jack-Ass in A Paddle Boat
- point your paddle boat in the opposite direction.
- sing “The Flintstones” theme; he’ll sing along.
- tell him, “I’ll race you to the fast lane.” He will.
- if he isn’t doing anything in particular, say (loudly), “Hey! You cut me off.” He’ll give you the finger and move along quickly.
- (for classy sun-lounging ladies) carry pepper spray; he might come close enough.
In case of close contact with a paddle boat jack-ass:
- pull out a squirt gun. He’ll be so freaked out, he might fall in and get wet.
- (in case he does fall in) turn to the kids, and behold their innocent, all-knowing smiles when you tell them, “I really didn’t mean him any harm.”
- go for a little swim (think of it as a charitable donation).
- reach down and pull out the drain plug in the back of his paddle boat.
Friendly Reminders for Your Arrival Back on Land
Many paddle boaters experience “Jack-Ass Syndrome” upon their first exposures. The symptoms are many and varied. The US Environmental Protection Agency is currently engaged in a global “Study of the Jack-Ass” – an initiative aimed at curbing the worst of human suffering related to toxic paddle boat experiences.
Curiously, researchers cite watercraft manufacturing safeguards already in place when your paddle boat touches water.
1. Hull resilience: believe it or not, the dents he put in your paddle boat hull bend back to their original shape pre-jack-ass due to plastics technology. Just expose the dent to direct sunlight.
2. Passengers and weight load: this is the lone exception to the “more-the-merrier” rule. Give the jack-ass propensity for excess, he might exceed his paddle boat’s weight capacity. In this case, relatives are especially important.
As there hope for any jack-ass, similar hope exists for victims of his paddle boat adventures. Perhaps the greatest consolation lies in a universal truth: you do not suffer alone.